


Closeted

by HadenXCharm



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Closeted Character, Denial of Feelings, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Trapped In A Closet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 17:05:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12280779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HadenXCharm/pseuds/HadenXCharm
Summary: All Ichigo had wanted was to teach Ikkaku a fucking lesson, but his plan for revenge goes horribly wrong when he ends up trapped in a closet with Renji and his own repressed sexual identity for hours on end.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at writing fics quickly and keeping them short, so this, like Ichigo's Cold and Kiss This, is another writing exercise for me. 
> 
> I am working with dedication on a couple longer works. Expect a full-on fantasy epic over the holidays, and an amnesia fic around valentine's day. Hopefully there will be a couple more short bonus fics. thank you for your patience and support.

Ichigo didn’t know how the two of them always got into such ridiculous trouble. In fact, every time, after some crazy shenanigan or other, he’ll tell Renji that was _it,_ that was the _last time_ they were doing something so dumb - and then a few days would go by, and there they go again.

Today was one of those days - and to be honest, this time he'd kind of started it.

To explain the situation they were in now, one had to look back a few months to a certain incident in which Ikkaku, who was more Renji’s friend than Ichigo’s, had made fun of this one t-shirt Ichigo had, the one with the fifteen on it. Ichigo fucking loved that shirt, and hadn’t been happy to be made a fool in front of everybody. He understood that it was kind of stupid to hate superstitions and puns made about his name but love a shirt that said ‘fifteen’ on it, but he didn’t care! He liked the shirt!

In any case, Ikkaku had thought it would be funny later to steal it from his locker at the gym and then act dumb like he didn’t know what happened. Thus had ensued a months long war in which Ichigo would take the shirt back and the two of them would beat each other up. He knew that this was just Ikkaku’s way of provoking him into a fight, because for some reason that’s what the guy likes, and although Ichigo knows it’s dumb to pretty much give him his way, he can’t help it. It fucking pisses him off!

Anyway, the latest time had been particularly annoying, because the shirt’s been gone for over two weeks, and Ichigo was seriously ticked. He wanted to teach Ikkaku a lesson about taking other people’s stuff for kicks. He was going to that fucker’s house.

When his roommate and best bud Renji had heard his plan, he hadn’t been happy - in fact, he’d tried for several days to sway Ichigo into changing his mind. When Ichigo hadn’t been moved, Renji had begrudgingly agreed to come too, but had complained endlessly, because he didn’t want to break into his senpai’s house. “Hey man, whose side are you on?” Ichigo had accused, which had shut him up.

Hah, even Renji thought Ikkaku was wrong! Ichigo was going to prank Ikkaku so hard that he’d think twice next time about taking his stuff!

Renji came with him reluctantly to Ikkaku and Yumichika’s apartment, standing around awkwardly with his hands in his pockets while Ichigo opened the door with the key he’d swiped from Ikkaku’s keyring. “Ichigo, I dunno’ about this,” Renji muttered again. “He’s gonna’ be pissed.”

“Yeah, that’s the point, just c’mon.”

“Okay, but we’re just getting the shirt. In and out and then we’re gone.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ichigo said distractedly, getting the door open. He gave a low whistle. “Whoa, nice digs.” Renji stepped into the apartment after him, shutting the door and looking around uncomfortably. “How the hell do they afford this place? I _know_ Ikkaku doesn’t make enough doing whatever personal trainer shit he does to cover this.”

“Yumichika does something or other online, it’s-” Renji shook his head. “Look, we shouldn’t be in here, just get the shirt and let’s get out of here.”

“They’re not gonna’ know, just chill out,” Ichigo soothed. “Help me find it.”

“I’m not gonna’ look through their stuff!” Renji yiped, shoulders going up as he shook his head. 

“What, you think it’s just gonna’ pop out?! We have to look a _little_ bit,” Ichigo insisted, then shoved Renji’s shoulder.

"Hey, I'm just here to keep watch!"

“Dude, just help so we can leave.”

“Geez, okay.”

Ichigo left Renji then to go open a couple doors in the hallway and peek in some of the rooms, at last finding what had to be Ikkaku’s bedroom judging from the state of the floor, clothes and shit everywhere, or at least covering half. Weird, there were two beds in here.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Renji hissed from down the hall. “Get out of there!”

Ichigo ignored him, checking the different piles quickly, then pulling out the drawers in the bureau. These didn’t look like Ikkaku’s clothes. “Ichigo,” Renji insisted.

“Relax, I found it,” he muttered, finally finding it balled up on the floor of the closet. Renji stormed up behind him, halting at the doorway of the bedroom and then tiptoeing in and making to grab him by the arm. “Aw gross, did he use it as a sweat rag? That fucking-!”

They both froze, heads snapping up as all of a sudden they heard keys jingling and voices outside the front door. Looking at each other with wide eyes, not daring to do more than breathe, Renji whispered, “Oh shit.”

Ichigo grit his teeth, looking around frantically. Renji thought quicker, yanking him out of the bedroom and kicking the door shut, then throwing him into the hall closet. Ichigo barely grabbed onto the molding of the door to keep from banging into the back wall and knocking over a bunch of coats. A second later, Renji barged in after him, shoving him into the tiny space and shushing his angry cursing. They’d just crouched down in the corners and pulled the door almost all shut when the front door handle rattled.

Renji tried his best to calm his heavy breathing and stay quiet, while Ichigo just tried not to move at all, the bottoms of coats on his head and in his face. The both of them didn’t make a sound as they listened to the distorted voices of their friends as they banged around outside taking off their shoes and coming in the front door.

All long legs and bulky shoulders, Renji let out a tight grunt, crammed against Ichigo uncomfortably so in the small space. At last he hissed, “This is your fault,” and Ichigo just widened his mouth in a grimace, narrowing his eyes.

“No, this is _your_ fault,” he whispered back.  
  
“Me?”

“Yeah, we could’ve just let them catch us and then I could’ve punched that smug bastard in the face, but now if we pop out, we’re creepy closet lurkers.”

Renji was silent for a couple seconds and then kicked him in the leg sharply. Ichigo couldn’t retaliate before Ikkaku and Yumichika came into the house. Looked like they were stuck here for the long haul. 


	2. Chapter 2

Ichigo and Renji sat in silence, with bated breath, hearts pounding as their friends came home. It immediately became clear that both men had arrived back at the same time and had just met for the first time that day, since they were greeting each other and everything.

“I can’t believe you. This is what, the fifth key you’ve lost?” came Yumichika’s scolding voice.

“So change the lock then, if you’re worried.” Ikkaku dismissed. “You wouldn’t believe the day I had,” he said with a much lighter tone, and Ichigo could hear him stomping around or something with what sounded like grocery bags.

Renji wiggled his legs with a grunt, moving a couple sleeves off his head. Ichigo made a shushing motion, and Renji moved slowlier, adjusting himself on the ground. “Stop fidgeting,” Ichigo breathed, his eyes starting to adjust to the dark closet. Renji was cramped in the other corner, pushed back as far as possible to give him some space, but their feet were still pressed together, legs folded up in front of them. Ichigo couldn’t help but feel really awkward, being in a confined space with him, touching him. It was… weird. Oh for fuck’s sake, would he stop fidgeting already?

“Renji, I said quit it.”

“I’m not.”

“Shut up,” he hissed. “You’re too loud.”

Renji winced, eyes wide, going still to listen outside. Ichigo could hear the fridge open up, and that was when he realized that through the small crack in the door, he could see out just a little bit. Yumichika was still by the door, taking off his jacket. Ikkaku was out of sight in the kitchenette.

“There were some real shitheads at the gym today,” Ikkaku rambled. “Tried to get all up in my face. They were just so fucking _stupid_ _._ They thought that because they knew how to run on the treadmill’s highest function, they were some big-shot deals. Fucking _naive bastards!”_

Ichigo raised an eyebrow at Renji, who shrugged and stuck his lip out, shaking his head.

“What, just _flat_ on the treadmill, or…?”

 _“ YES._ I mean, god-damn, put an incline on that shit!” Ikkaku complained. “I’m over here sweating like a dog and these guys are lookin’ at me like I’m some amateur who doesn’t know shit ‘cause I’m not goin’ as fast as they are. Meanwhile, I’m hiking up a mountain by comparison.”

“But dogs don’t sweat,” Renji breathed in confusion, like he didn't understand how his wise and all-knowing senpai could ever say anything dumb. Ichigo covered his mouth with a hand, shuddering with a laugh that he just let hiss through his nose.

“Oh dear. They probably didn’t even burn a thousand calories,” Yumichika hummed.

“That’s what I’m _saying!_ ” Ikkaku hollered - damn, he’s loud. “See, this is why you understand me, Yumichika. You understand the importance of inclines on the motherfucking tread.”

Ichigo gave a quiet scoff, daring to lean forward and adjust his aching back against the wall. Yumichika laughed a little bit.

“I thought it was because I know how to mix your drinks.”

“Yeah, an’ that.”

“Well, I assume you got into a fight, since you’re grinning like that,” Yumichika noted, and for one heart-stopping moment, Renji and Ichigo both held their breath and crowded back against the walls as Yumichika began walking towards them. Light flooded the dusty space as Yumichika opened the door, nudged his shoes in with his foot and then hung up his coat, before walking away and letting the door drift shut almost completely. He sighed and lined Ikkaku’s sandals up by the front door.

“Shit,” Renji breathed, clutching his chest, eyes wide. Ichigo bit his lips too, shutting his eyes and dropping his head backwards against the wall. That was close.

“Nahh,” Ikkaku denied. “I’m just glad ta’ see you. I would never get into a fight at the gym, besides. They’d fire me, the uptight jerks.”

“Ah yes.”

Ichigo twisted his mouth up and shook his head, heart still racing from before. It figured that Ikkaku would be the chatty one in private. Yumichika was the exact opposite apparently.

He could hear water running then, and Yumichika said, “Use a glass.”

“Fuck that.”

“Ikkaku, they’re right-”

“Too late, ‘m done.” The water shut off. There came a labored sigh from Yumichika. Ikkaku then said happily, “C’mon, come hang out with me.”

Yumichika at last went out of view when he walked into the kitchen. “I can’t, I have to do the- _hh!”_ he gasped, and Renji jumped. Both of them froze, dead silent.

“What?” Ikkaku asked in quiet concern.

Yumichika was quiet for another second or two and then noted in surprise, “You did the dishes.”

Ikkaku gave a proud, “Yeah.”

“And you put them away!”

“Yeah!” he said with more enthusiasm.

“That was nice, thank you,” Yumichika said in relief. Ikkaku got all stupid for a minute, which had Ichigo raising a confused eyebrow.

“Aw, shut up and come watch me play video games."

“Okay. You want a beer?”

“Nah. Vodka.”

“Mm. Do you want the bottle, or do you want it mixed.”

“You don’t even need to ask at this point, do you?” With the new angle the door was at from Yumichika adjusting it, they could see Ikkaku throw himself over the back of the couch with a satisfied sigh, firing up his playstation. “What do you put in it, anyways?” he muttered, leaning an arm over the back of the couch.

“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”

“Aw, man…”

He could hear glasses clinking, and watched Yumichika carry some crystal shot-glasses and a veritable _tankard_ that had to be Ikkaku’s over to the coffee table. As he walked back into the kitchen, he seemed to stop short. “Oh my god.” Unable to see what he was looking at, Ichigo frowned a little.

“The fuck is wrong?”

“You cleaned the floor!”

“Yep!” Ikkaku beamed, leaning over the back of the couch, folding his arms under his chin, obviously glad that his hard work had been noticed.

Yumichika gave a happy sigh. “You’re wonderful. I’ll make dinner. Anything you want.”

 _“Sweet!_ ” Ikkaku crowed, throwing himself across the sofa, bare feet in the air. “You are literally the best!”

Ichigo snorted, looking at Renji, expecting the same reaction to the strange display, but he was only smiling this dumb soft smile with his head crowded by the space to listen. The stripe of light coming through the door over his face lit up one of his eyes and the dimple in his cheek - Ichigo’s own smirk faded a little.

It was then he noticed that over their time stuck in here, it had stopped being so awkward being crammed together, touching each other, and that sent Ichigo further into the corner, shoving himself as far back as he could.

 

Let’s not go there.


	3. Chapter 3

After the first hour or so passed, Ichigo had to go to the bathroom. He could probably hold it for a good while still, but it was still annoying, not to mention his joints hurt from crouching in this position with his legs bent for such a long time.

Ikkaku was sitting on the couch, fully engrossed in his game, and Yumichika was with him, after having put something or other in the oven.

The thing with Ikkaku and Yumichika is that they talk, a _lot -_ even more apparently, when they were alone. They talked about him and Renji a bunch, actually, which was interesting to listen to - Rukia, Ikkaku’s job, Yumichika’s job, dumb shit, and Hisagi’s problems too.

While Renji was listening closely, having nothing else to do, Ichigo tuned in and out, arms folded over his knees, chin resting on his forearms boredly. It got interesting a few minutes later though.

“You’ll never guess who I heard getting some in the supply closet,” Yumichika said salaciously after some time spent drinking and relaxing.

“Tss’. Who with?” Ikkaku muttered back, seeming to somehow already know who he was talking about with that small of a hint. Ichigo took a glance to the side, seeing Renji practically perk his ears, as if he suspected too.

“That other trainer you work with.” Renji’s cheeks puffed up in disbelief for a second, then he bit his lips with wide eyes. Ichigo frowned. What did  _that_ mean? Who was it?

“Tch’,” Ikkaku snorted. “Figures. Muguruma’s up for that kind a’ shit.” Ichigo stared as Renji put his forehead in his hand. Who were they talking about who’d had sex with whoever Muguruma was?

Yumichika flippantly shrugged the comment off. “Still though, Shuuhei’s so _gone_ on Izuru, he should just say something.” Ichigo nearly started coughing aloud, having choked on his spit. Shuuhei? Hisagi Shuuhei? Was gay? _Gay-_ gay?

He hardly dared move, not even breathing, reeling from this information. Renji didn’t seem surprised by this revelation, which made Ichigo even more confused.

“Even so, I always pinned him for a guy who’d love getting fucked really hard, and Kira probably can’t deliver on that. He seems like someone to get drunk and cry with, not fuck upside down.” Ichigo had put his hands up to the sides of his pink face by that point, scandalized, not to mention that Renji was just listening at the crack in the door with not much reaction - like some pervert! Doesn't he have any decency to be embarrassed to hear that like Ichigo? Doesn't he have any shame?

“Don’t be vulgar,” Yumichika scolded.  
  
“Shut up,” Ikkaku replied, drunk and belligerent. “How ‘bout you come take care’a’ this for me?”

Ichigo’s mouth dropped open, eyes going wide. Ikkaku had gotten more and more crass with the alcohol, but… did he mean-? That can’t be what he meant.

With a sigh, Yumichika said, “Alright, but only to stop you getting unbearably cranky.” Ichigo covered his eyes and huddled down, stopping a groan, his face heating up with mortification. Renji crowded against the crack, not shying away in watching openly. What the hell was he doing?! Was he just gonna' watch them...  _do it?!_

“Thanks man,” Ikkaku grunted. Ichigo couldn’t believe this. He literally cannot cope with this.

“Why are you in a mood all of a sudden, hm?”

“Sorry, I dunno’... I feel like someone’s watching.”

 _“How does he know?!”_ Renji hissed. Ichigo didn't remove his hands from his eyes, teeth tightly gritted together. 

“Shall I check under the bed?” Yumichika joked.

“Nah. C’mon, get started.”

 _‘Oh please, don’t start having sex,'_ Ichigo begged, stomach clenching up. He already wasn’t comfortable with being in someone’s house and seeing what they did when nobody was watching, because he had to see and hear that shit. He hadn't imagined that it might be anything like this though. Renji was right - he should’ve thought ahead.

Ichigo thought he might pass out from how red his face got when he heard Ikkaku curse, “Fuck,” hissing, “That feels so good. Yeah, right there.” He was groaning and shit, and after a few minutes, said ‘thanks.’

“I’m going to brush my teeth,” Yumichika said.

Ichigo’s mouth was open and he was staring at his hands numbly. What was reality anymore. He couldn’t believe he’d just heard that. They were gay. Yumichika and Ikkaku were gay and he’d just heard them do gay stuff.

Renji, having watched the whole thing, finally ducked back down to him and muttered, “It’s fine, he was just giving him a backrub… Whoa, are you okay?”

Of course - of course it wasn't what he'd thought. He should have figured that Renji wouldn't watch his precious mentors do gay sex with no human shame, but the knowledge didn't come as a relief, because to Ichigo's utter humiliation, what he'd thought he'd been hearing had still started this unbearable heat in his stomach and made his pants pinch him in front. God, the degree to which this was wrong and disgusting was untold. Ichigo can't stand himself.

He gave Renji a miserable sideglance, then brushed himoff, barely able to speak.

“Fine,” he rasped. “‘M fine.”   
  
Renji didn't seem to believe him - he was having a hard time believing him too - but luckily he was distracted a second later.

“Thanks, that was nice of you,” Ikkaku said absently, still playing his game apparently, because a moment later he hollered, _“Aw shit, some fucker stole my care package again!”_

By then, Ichigo had to pee really bad, to the point where he thought he might have to tell Renji, just in case. He’d suffer in silence for now, but he didn’t know how much longer he could hold it.

Ikkaku played video games for ages. Yumichika was splayed on the couch near his tank-top clad roommate, using his laptop and sipping red wine. It was getting seriously aggravating, because Ichigo was about to burst, not to mention that whenever Yumichika got up for _anything,_ Ikkaku would pause his game and complain and call him back. “I need my lucky charm. I start losin’ whenever you move away.”

 _‘Wow, you must really suck then,'_ Ichigo thought, gritting his teeth.

“It’s all in your head.”

“Yeah, yeah, just hang out with me - is that what you wanna’ hear?” Yumichika laughed.

 _‘Whoaaa, okay?’_ Ichigo ground his jaws together. _‘So are they homos or not?’_

He wasn’t completely sure. If he was honest, he probably always had suspected that they were, but he hadn’t let himself think about it too hard. Two beds being in one room made sense now, as did their clothes being together. It made sense now, if they were together, how close of friends they were, and that they stayed in the same apartment. In fact, he doesn’t think he’d ever seen them apart. If it's true, Ichigo didn't know what to feel other than bitterness.

He can’t imagine living that freely.


	4. Chapter 4

Eventually, _finally_ _,_ Ikkaku wanted to go to bed. He turned the TV off, brushed his teeth, got his pajamas on, which consisted of a tank-top and boxers, and got a slice of pizza _after_ he’d brushed his teeth.

“I’m goin’ ta’ bed,” he said with his mouth full.

“Okay, goodnight.”

Ichigo thought he heard a kissing noise, but it could’ve been the sound of the bedroom door closing. Having hoped that this meant that Yumichika was go to bed soon too, he was dismayed when he had to stay cramped and aching in that tiny space with his bladder bursting for _three more hours_ _,_ because Yumichika stayed up, typing like a madman.

If possible, this was even more uncomfortable than listening in on their friends together when they were alone, because this was a person who thought no one else was around. Sometimes he’d give this dark little laugh and a weird smile, his face lit up by his laptop screen. Sometimes he’d have soft instrumental music playing and others it was just deadly silent. He was typing almost constantly, only taking brief breaks to stretch his hands.

Ichigo didn’t even know how long they’d been trapped in this closet he was in so much pain. He was squeezing his legs together and holding himself tightly like he hasn't since he was in preschool, his eyes shut and teeth gritted. By this point, Renji kept nodding off, oblivious to his struggle.

Ichigo froze up as Renji, fast asleep, slumped towards him, his forehead leaning against his shoulder just a little. “...” Surprised, Ichigo didn't dare move for a second, and when he next took a breath, his nose was filled with the smell of Renji's cologne, his shampoo - and for a second, lips trembling, Ichigo turned his face into Renji’s neck, letting his cheek press against the warm skin.

He nudged Renji back, and Renji jolted awake, luckily quietly, knowing well enough not to make any noise. At least Ichigo thought so, because when Yumichika put on some louder music, after a quick peek out the door, Renji apparently felt there was enough noise to mask them talking a little bit, and whispered to him, “I think this is it.”

"This is what?"

"The end. We're gonna' starve to death in here."

“Pff’,” Ichigo spat, immediately regretting it at the jolt to his bladder. “He can’t stay up much longer.”

“You did this, remember?”

“Whatever, I got the shirt,” he breathed, agonized, pressing his thighs together, clamping them around his hands. Frustrated and antsy, he took a couple breaths, at last saying, “... Did you know about Hisagi?”

“Hisagi what?” Renji muttered.

“Doing… you know…” Renji just kept raising his eyebrow, until at last Ichigo got flustered and whispered, “Liking Kira.”

“Oh. Yeah. You didn’t?”

 _“What? No!_ ” Ichigo squeaked. “Why would I know that he likes a guy?”

“Whoa, geez, chill,” Renji hummed, “There’s nothing to get upset about.”

“Yeah, but… it’s just weird.” Renji gave a grimace and didn’t say anything more. Ichigo fidgeted, picking at the carpet, and in his defensiveness, was unwilling to let it drop. “I mean… isn’t that kinda’ gross?”

“Uhhhh, Ichigo, how old are you? I think togarashi is gross but that doesn't mean other people should quit eating it just because of _me_. Do you _seriously_ care that much about what other people do?”

“I mean, no, but- just… I mean, _I_ could never imagine being like that.” He swallowed hard, looking at the ground. Renji was quiet a few seconds, considering.

“Well… sometimes when you find someone you really love, you just wanna’ be together, and nothing else matters besides that. Can’t you understand that?” Scrunching his brow, Renji muttered, “Don’t you know how that feels?”

“Do you?” Ichigo countered.

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, all the time,” he said, so easily, as if it were obvious.

“Oh.” Ichigo was quiet for a couple seconds, picking at his toes.

“Ichigo,” Renji said, causing him to look up, “Don’t act stupid on purpose.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do,” he insisted. Ichigo licked his lips nervously and looked away. With a sigh, Renji scratched at the base of his ponytail with a grimace for a moment, as if searching for the right words. “Look Ichigo, we’ve been rooming together for a while now. I’ve known you a long time, and I’m not an idiot.”

Ichigo’s hands shook as he looked around, anything but looking at Renji. His gut clenched up in panic and shame. Anything, say anything, just don’t let him know - but nothing came out. Too overwhelmed with dread, he couldn't think up a lie.

“I just wanted to say, you don’t have to feel like you can’t talk to me, because I understand, man, I do.” Ichigo didn’t know what to do, just sitting there with clammy palms and his heart in his throat.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he rasped, suddenly overcome with a sense of loneliness and exhaustion, because he knew he’d been found out. Whatever he said now, Renji wasn't going to believe him anyway. “I don’t know what you think you know about me, but if you’re gonna’ say something, then say it.”

“You never answered me when I asked you before, if you get what it’s like to just want to be by someone’s side when you really love them.”

“I mean… yeah, but…”

“Because that’s the same way I feel about you.”

Frozen and silent, Ichigo whispered into the dark, “What?”

Renji made to say something else, but they both went quiet and motionless when Yumichika finally got up and turned the lights out, ending their conversation. Ichigo just stared at Renji’s face in the darkness, his throat completely dry as they listened to Yumichika go to bed.

They stayed in the hall closet, silent, for another ten minutes or so to be sure one of them wasn’t going to come back out and catch them. Then at last, they made to leave.

Renji got up first, pushing the door open and holding it there, standing and reaching a hand back in to Ichigo. He looked up at him, his open palm, but in the end, couldn't reach out and take it. 

When at last Ichigo got up, blood rushed down into his aching legs and he could barely stand at first, not to mention the sudden rush of pain in his bladder. He took a couple wobbly steps out of the dark and gloomy space, straightening up fully. For a second, he and Renji stood there, Renji with a neutral contemplative expression on his face, and Ichigo…   After a second, he turned away, throat tight.

They snuck out of the apartment and went down into the parking lot, and side by side, they unzipped and peed against the base of the brick wall for a good minute or so.

Like always, Ichigo doesn't talk about it. That's how it has to be.


	5. Chapter 5

They car ride back was deathly quiet. Ichigo didn’t know if he’d ever been in a more awkward situation. He honestly didn’t know what to do, just sitting there tight-lipped and gripping the arms of the passenger seat while Renji drove, equally silent since that- that _bomb_ he’d dropped.

“I didn’t know they were together,” Ichigo said at last, because when he managed to stop thinking about what Renji had said to him, he _could not_ stop thinking about how their two friends were asleep in the same room back there.

“I mean…” He swallowed and looked out the window, muttering, “I know everyone suspected, but I was never really sure. . . I’m _still_ not completely sure, because Yumichika says weird stuff to _everyone.”_

Renji at last said something, which relieved Ichigo a little bit. “Dude,” he replied, “They’ve been together longer than I’ve been of legal age. Probably double that, actually.”

“They seem…” Ichigo whispered, “happy.”

“Yeah.”

“So, uh…” He scratched at his neck and pulled his hair viciously, not know what to do. Renji clamped his mouth shut again, staring forward as he drove.

“..."

“How long?” Ichigo finally muttered. “I mean, how long did you feel like, like- . . . that?” he said at last.

Renji glanced to him for a moment, as if in disbelief that he’d actually brought it back up, but then shrugged off with not much concern, “Eh… Maybe a few months.” Ichigo nodded awkwardly, swallowing and looking forward. “... Or… No, a lot of months, actually,” Renji amended flatly.  
  
“...”

“Why aren’t you freaking out?” Renji asked somewhat meekly. Ichigo bit his lip and clenched his fist against the car door.

“... Are you making fun of me?” he wondered quietly. “What, you found out about me and now you want to make me humiliate myself by pretending that you… that you like me or something?”

“What?” Renji said indignantly, wrinkling his nose up. “What does that mean? I don’t know what that means.”

Ichigo swallowed hard. “Are you going to tell everyone now?”

"Tell everyone what? That I like you?"

"That I'm a fag," he croaked.

“Whoa, Ichigo, no,” Renji refused, “I meant what I said… You don’t believe me?”

“I…” Ichigo choked on his words and couldn’t say anything for a long time, despite Renji’s coaxing. At last when they arrived home and went up to their apartment, Ichigo kind of awkwardly milled around in the kitchen while Renji stood by the front door, staring at him with a frown on his face.

Finally he said, “You’re shying away. Why?” When Ichigo didn’t reply, turning away, Renji walked towards him to stop him. “What, you can’t even talk to me now? I can tell what you want, Ichigo, so why are you running away? Why are you acting like this is the worst thing to ever happen to you?”

“What do you want me to say?” Ichigo said, his voice breaking in wretchedness, at which he put a hand up to cover his eyes and bit out, “You want me to just change my whole life around, just like that, and live like I don’t care what people think about it?”

Renji was speechless for a moment or two, and then finally said, carefully, “It wouldn’t be such a bad thing, right?”

“I can’t, okay? You don’t know how it feels, Renji,” Ichigo spat bitterly, shrinking back as Renji came towards him, step after steady step. “I can’t, I just can’t.”

“Why not?” he mumbled softly, like he was trying to soothe a frightened animal. He came close to him and reached a hand out to his face, at which Ichigo finally snapped and shoved him away viciously.

“Fuck you, Renji. Just _fuck you!”_ he hollered. “You’ve got no idea how fucking hard it is. You’ve got no idea how it feels to want shit that you’re not supposed to! Look at you, trying to make me into a fag! Don’t you think I get picked on enough already?!”

For all Ichigo’s yelling and his violent reaction, Renji didn’t bat an eye, saying in a calm voice, “It’s normal to feel scared.” Ichigo flung himself away.

“Then how come you’re not?! How come it’s so easy for you to just- just-” Ichigo put his hands to his forehead and let out a sigh. He shook his head. “Just… I can’t.”

“Ichigo.” Renji held out a hand to him, but Ichigo turned away and shut himself in his room. And no matter how much he wanted to come back out, all he could do was walk up to the door and lean his weight against it and yearn for the person on the other side.

But he couldn't open it. 


	6. Chapter 6

Ichigo spent a miserable night alone in his bedroom feeling sick and horrible. When at last he made himself go out to use the bathroom, Renji was there waiting for him in the front room, and once they made eye contact, Ichigo couldn’t exactly flee. 

Maybe he'd felt differently last night, like he could still hold the pieces together somehow, it now felt too late to lie to himself anymore. It felt stupid, when Renji knew the truth. But after what he'd said... what did Renji think of him now? He must seem horribly pathetic. The mere thought of it was unbearable.

He knew it was going to be worse if he just went and hid again, but just having Renji look at him made him feel so embarrassed that he could die. Uncertainly, and feeling like a complete fool for his outburst last night, Ichigo shuffled towards him, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch in silence and staring at his feet.

He could see Renji watching him just on his periphery for a long while, but he didn't say anything. At least he wasn't making fun. Ichigo didn't think he could take it if Renji made fun of him now.

“...”

“Sorry if I set you off last night,” Renji said at last, breaking the long silence. “If you want, you can just forget what I told you. It’s not my job to drag anyone out of the closet… Even if I don’t agree, well… it’s your life. I’m not gonna’ tell anyone.”

Ichigo almost looked up on reflex in surprise, but the humiliation kept his head down. He took a few hesitant breaths, squirming madly, until he mumbled lowly, “I dunno.’” Renji seemed to perk his ears, maybe having not expected a response. “Watching them… you know, yesterday… It made me kinda’ sad,” he admitted in a small voice, the little part of him that had hid for so long trying to reach out, shy and hesitant and ever-flinching.

“Not weird, perverted, awkward, uncomfortable, guilty, or wrong?” Renji listed, trying to lighten the mood by referencing their peeping episode last night. “How come?”

“They just… kind of…” Ichigo tried to explain, gesticulating vaguely, “They kind of appreciate each other over little things, and… listen to each other I guess, and…” Talking faster, he sighed with his eyes closed, “They’re like best friends, but they don’t even have to talk to enjoy being around each other. It just… reminded me of how my mom and dad were, a little bit, and I thought…” He shook his head after a long silence. “I dunno’. It’s stupid.”

“No, no, what?” Renji insisted, having been listening closely.

Embarrassed, Ichigo squirmed more, sinking into the couch and playing with the strings on his sweatpants. “... Maybe I just… I dunno’, I just… I dunno’ how I could be brave enough to live like that - and I guess that’s what’s makes me sad, because… I won’t get to feel that happiness.”

“Aw, Ichigo,” Renji said in dismay. Ichigo grunted and scowled, because he didn’t say it to make Renji feel bad for him. “Look… I never really had parents or a family to worry about confessing to, so of course I can’t know how you feel, but… Ichigo, it always feels better once you stop trying to hide who you are. I mean… even if you don’t feel the same for me, I don’t regret telling you, because hiding sucks. Lying sucks.”

Ichigo shrugged and looked away. “Not like it would work anyways. I mean… we’re not like them,” he muttered. Renji was quiet for a few moments, taken aback, maybe that Ichigo had directly referenced... the possibility of...  _them._

“... How so?” 

Palms sweaty, not knowing what he was doing, Ichigo muttered, “I mean, we’re both cranky people, and… what if we can’t make it? Like… we argue all the time, and if we had a falling out, what if it got worse?” Renji didn’t answer right away, so Ichigo looked towards him with a challenging scowl. What, he didn't have an answer for that?

To his surprise, Renji’s eyes were practically sparkling, warm and melted. “You’ve thought about this?” Renji said at last. Ichigo tossed his head away, face heating up.

“Pssh, _no_ _,_ but you know what I mean,” he grumbled, shoulders up around his ears. “They’re best friends… and, I mean… we are too. Aren’t we?” he mumbled uncertainly, glancing up once. Renji just looked back at him and smiled.

“Can I take this as an opening?” Renji breathed lowly. Ichigo didn’t realize he had gotten so close, but the next second, Renji’s arm was on the side of the couch behind him and he’d leaned in to his face.

“Ah-” Ichigo yelped in surprise, shrinking back, frozen rigid as Renji shoved his face towards him. He couldn’t think past a sense of panic and ‘no, can’t, wrong, wrong-’

He tried to turn his face away, but Renji held his cheeks in his hands, brushing their lips together. That was when Ichigo tried to pry Renji’s head away from his own, eyes clenched shut, and Renji let go.

“Sorry,” he panted, pulling back, seeming somehow crestfallen. “Did you not want…?”

Ichigo breathed heavily, chest aching, and eventually rasped, “I… just…” He swallowed and licked his lips. “You like me back?” he croaked, his throat narrowing as he finally accepted it. Renji let out a gusty breath and ducked in again, rubbing their noses against each other and at last pressing his lips onto Ichigo’s.

Ichigo held still against his warm weight, stiff and uncertain, and let Renji take his hands and place them around his shoulders. He kissed at Ichigo’s mouth gently until he at last responded and tentatively kissed back a little bit.

When Renji drew away, he wiped his mouth and took Ichigo’s hand, leading him into his room and laying him down on his bed. Ichigo clenched his hands nervously, hardly daring to move as Renji lay down next to him on his stomach.

He put an arm over Ichigo’s chest and played with his hair just a little. Ichigo closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “Whatsa’ matter,” Renji whispered, leaning his brow down onto Ichigo’s, drawing out a shudder.

“Just… just tell me something that’ll let me know this’ll be okay,” he whispered breathlessly. “Renji, I-...”

“Shh…” Renji leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, just below his eye, warm breath soothing his skin.  

“You like me? You really like me back?” Ichigo murmured.

“Yeah,” Renji whispered. “Madly.” That provoked the tiniest bit of a smile. Renji smoothed his hand over the top of Ichigo’s head a few times, trying to calm him down.

"I thought you were fucking with me. To try and make me say it. That I'm..."

"Ichigo, I've liked you since before it was cool." Ichigo looked away, biting his lips to fight down a pleased smile.  Renji gave a long sigh, and said more seriously, "Look, I know this is all hard for you, but hey... You showed me how to be brave once, standing up to Kuchiki-Kachou that one time. If you can be brave like that again and give this a chance, you won’t regret it. I won’t let you regret it.”

Ichigo fidgeted uncertainly, insides squirming like worms, but he couldn’t deny the warm… _happiness_ blooming in his heart. He just couldn’t stop thinking of what his father would say, what Ishida and Chad would say, how all those years spent fighting his bullies - _‘This fag and his bleached hair!’ -_ all that time spent trying to hide it and push it down, he was going to end up proving those guys right. He was going to disappoint the people he cared about most.

Was this little bit of warm wonderful feeling worth all the trouble it might cause?

Renji put a warm hand to his cheek, coaxing him to turn and pay attention to him. “If we go down this road, you won’t have to do it alone - it’ll be me and you… and… I’ll try to make you happy,” Renji whispered, “an’ be a good boyfriend.”

The warm hands around him melted enough of his fears that Ichigo decided maybe he’d do the crazy thing like always, and just take a running jump into the unknown. It’d turned out alright this far.

He hesitantly leaned forward and placed a shy kiss on Renji’s mouth, rolling atop him a little and trying his best. Renji suddenly laughed onto his lips and threw his arms around him firmly, throwing him around the bed. "Oh yeah?" Ichigo grumbled, gripping onto him and flinging him into the blankets. Renji laughed wildly and hugged him hard.

They wrestled and kissed and then fell asleep in the afternoon light, cuddled together. It was a good day - and by far the easiest.


	7. Chapter 7

Life had been completely surreal for the past three days.

Ichigo’s admittedly been a little jumpy and suspicious for most of it, over-analyzing Renji’s every move and trying to mentally categorize it into friend or boyfriend bins - which was almost impossible, since Renji seemed to be acting almost completely the same.

Other than, you know, really obvious stuff like kissing.

Besides that though, the change has mostly just been in Ichigo’s state of mind more than anything else. He and Renji might be boyfriend and boyfriend, but they hadn’t moved into each other’s rooms or anything, despite falling asleep on the couch together a couple times. They also haven’t gone on any dates or done anything _… you know_ \- because although Ichigo had cooled down after accepting that this was just how he was and there was no changing it, it all still was a shock to the system.

The first day had been rough - he’d been kind of quiet and brooding. Despite having decided to give things a go with Renji and being happy for it, there was still a sense of _no going back_ that was a little frightening. He didn’t know what kind of stuff was going to come his way if he went through with this. It had just been sort of a hard day, a lot of thinking.

Renji knew how to distract him though, picking on him and comforting him in perfect proportion. It worked well enough and Ichigo had perked up enough to get some of his old attitude and feistiness back, but at the same time, there was still a certain hesitance and uneasiness there.

Ichigo feels bad making Renji lie to their friends, he honestly does, and he’s already had a conversation with him about how this might not be the best idea, because although Ichigo has his hangups, he doesn’t think Renji should have to suffer with him. Renji was stubborn though - _‘Ichigo, don’t be a loser. We’re in this together’ -_ and wouldn’t accept that it might be better to just not bother with him until he was ready to come out.

Which, you know, being in it together was all fine and good, but it made him a little nervous, because although he knew Renji wouldn’t pressure him or anything, Renji’d already taken like twenty pictures of them together and was like, _bursting_ to post them on social media and brag about snagging him, but he _couldn’t_ because Ichigo was too scared still. He knew that Renji was kind of a passionate guy and it was going to be hard for him to contain for very long, and Ichigo knows it’s not fair of him to ask him to.

So really, he expected it when it finally came on day three. Ichigo could tell just from the look in Renji’s eye when he walked into the room. Oh boy, here it comes.

Stomping down the hall and standing in the doorway to the kitchen, Renji announced, “Now that we’re _you know,_ I wanna’ _you know.”_

“... Uhhh, I _don’t_ actually know what you’re talking about,” Ichigo muttered, hoping it wasn’t what he thought it was. It sure sounded like out-and-out innuendo.

He stood at the kitchen counter with his chocolate milk, holding the mug defensively as Renji came closer with that smile he got when he was enjoying messing with him.

“Hey, you’re the one who’s so sensitive,” Renji teased. “Or are you starting to move past it.”

“Don’t be a jerk! I never said you had to talk like that when it’s just us here!” Ichigo barked, hoping that his scowl was enough to keep Renji on the other side of the counter there.

Renji smirked at him a little, like he thought him getting mad was funny - really, nothing much has changed in three days - and then moved past him to get a protein shake from the fridge.

“Well, since I guess I can be _out in the open,”_ Renji teased one last time, starting to laugh when Ichigo groaned aloud, fed up with him. That got him to stop being an ass for a second and come to the point.

Cracking his drink open and facing him with a smile and warm eyes, Renji said, “I wanna’ take you out.” When Ichigo didn’t respond and clearly didn't intend to any time soon, not even opening his mouth or taking a breath to prepare a reply, Renji clarified, “Like on a date. Together.”

“Mm,” Ichigo mumbled at last, dropping his eyes to the rim of his mug where a little of the powder had gotten stuck when he’d mixed his drink.

“Tomorrow afternoon, me and you, datin’ it up.” Renji was probably doing his best to exude calm to try and put him at ease and show him it was no big deal, but it didn’t help much. His nonchalance and inability to really sympathize with Ichigo’s hesitance to _come out of the closet_ so to say was one of the reasons Ichigo had blown up at him before.

It’s like, he knew Renji understood and everything, but since he’d already gone through it and gotten to the other side, he didn’t have to feel that pain and fear anymore or live with it every day like Ichigo did. It was as though Renji thought that he was being silly on some level for caring how others would react, and it made Ichigo envious of his shameless bravery - not to mention a little embarrassed that he couldn’t say the same of himself.

At the same time, he’s only admitted to himself that he’s gay for like three days, so cut him some slack. This was moving really fast!

“I dunno’, Renji…” Ichigo muttered, scratching the back of his head with a hesitant scowl. As much as a date sounded… well, like everything he’s always wanted, he just didn’t know if he could take that big of a step. It seemed impossibly daunting. “I mean…”

“Dude, it’ll be fun,” Renji blew off like it was no big deal. “It’s not like we don’t hang out all the time anyway. Not like anyone’ll _know_ just by lookin’ at us. Only you an’ me’ll know. We’ll have a great time. Eat some junk, do some stuff, gaze at each other with sparkly eyes?”

He knew Renji was trying to make him smile, but he couldn’t bring himself to humor him. “... I dunno’,” was all he said, uneasy. Renji’s face creased with sympathy then, and when it did, Ichigo immediately coiled back defensively, which might be the reason Renji teased him when Ichigo got skittish instead of trying to comfort him too much - because as much as Ichigo felt upset that Renji acted like he was dumb for wanting to hide his true self, he hated it worse when Renji put on the whole ‘older guy who understands what you’re going through because of prior experience’ persona. He hates feeling that pathetic.

“Ichigo, you’re not one to care about what other people think,” he noted almost gently, coaxing. “Are you worried people are gonna’ say shit to us or something? They’re not gonna’ know,” he promised. “Seriously man, as much as I wanna’ love you in front of the whole world, if you wanna’ be private about it, then I’m not gonna’ embarrass you like that. Just give it a chance.” When Ichigo was still silent, twisting his mouth up with his jaw set, staring away carefully, Renji huffed and repeated, “I’ve never known you to care what people call you.”

“Yeah well this time I can’t make myself feel better by thinking that at least they’re not right about me.” Renji’s face crumpled in sympathy at that, which made Ichigo huff sharply in annoyance and turn away. “I just don’t wanna’ deal with it yet, alright?”

“Does it really bother you that much?” Renji wondered. “It doesn’t bother me…”

“Yeah well, it’s not easy for everybody,” Ichigo bit out. “You don’t know what it’s like; you didn’t have to come out. You were just always weird so people lowered their expectations.” Renji rolled his eyes and pushed away from the fridge with a scoff.

“Goin’ out with a guy doesn’t mean you’re a disappointment to your friends and family, Ichigo, you’re still the same person, and if they really loved you in the first place, then-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay,” Ichigo waved his hands with a huff, not wanting to hear it. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea, alright?”

Renji folded his arms, leaning forward on the counter and staring at him openly, narrowing his eyes with a flat grimace. Ichigo pulled away slightly, scowling back, not liking to be scrutinized. Finally, Renji’s mouth pinched on one side and he said bluntly, “Okay, I get that this is hard for you and stuff, an’ I’m all about the slow-burn.” Ichigo’s eyebrow twitched when Renji continued in a deadpan, “But don’t be a chickenshit. It’s just a date.”

“Renji, I barely even admitted to myself that I’m . . . _you know,”_ Ichigo tried, at which Renji gave him a ‘told you so’ expression. “Look, fuck you! You know I’m not ready to tell people yet, so just stop trying to make me, okay?”

“Ichigo, c’mon, of course not,” Renji agreed in exasperation, “I’m not gonna’ try and make you come out to everyone when you’re all twisted up about it. I’m just saying, it might help you to work through some shit to see how much this really…” He trailed off then, rubbing at the back of his own neck, maybe feeling a little embarrassed himself. “How it feels right,” he ended.

Ichigo was quiet and stubborn for a few seconds, wanting to say something but not knowing what. Renji seemed to accept this as a refusal and gave a disappointed nod, making to leave to the living room.

“Okay, fine!” Ichigo blurted with a grimace. “Whatever then, fine! I don’t care, goddamn,” he muttered, shaking his head, at which Renji snickered, and he smiled back just a little bit. His boyfriend - _his boyfriend_ \- held out a hand to him, and he took it with some hesitance, but Renji ceased his teasing and didn’t comment on his shyness, content to hold his hand while he watched his soccer game.

He got what Renji meant about focusing on the parts that felt right, because when they were alone together here where the rest of the world couldn’t see them… Ichigo felt really happy. Nothing felt more exciting than holding Renji’s hand or kissing him, nothing put more butterflies in his stomach than knowing that Renji cared for him and loved him just like he did in return. How right that felt, if only he could just focus on that all the time, it would make all his worst nightmares about the consequences of coming out worth it. Because that feeling of happiness would be too strong to be diminished by fear.

“Can I lay down across you?” Renji hummed absently, finishing off his shake, eyes glued to the TV. Ichigo was silent in surprise for a couple seconds, that fluttering growing stronger in his chest.

“Uh… okay.” Ichigo watched in fascination as Renji pulled his legs up and turned to lay his head down across his lap.

For a second, Renji paused with an eyebrow raised, and teased, “You’re not gonna’ poke me in the ear, are you?”

“Uh... why would I ever do that?”

“Whatever, just don’t get excited and ruin my pillow.”

“Huh? . . . What, no!” Ichigo sputtered when he realized what he meant. “Ugh, just lay down.” He shoved Renji down, sinking down into the couch himself and crossing his arms with a pout, at which Renji snickered lowly, prizing his ponytail out and getting comfortable.

In the early afternoon, lounging around lazily on the sofa with Renji’s head in his lap, his hair loose and wild, Ichigo did feel brave enough, daring enough to do something scary like let Renji take him out.

Wow, a real date. Ichigo was actually looking forward to it... a little. He just couldn’t get rid of this nervous _wrong_ feeling that something bad was going to happen. Was that always going to be there?

In any case, it’s been three days, and other than that gut feeling of doing something naughty and knowing that one day he’d be caught, things have been nice. It was somewhat cathartic to have finally talked about it to somebody after so long denying it even in the privacy of his own head. For all Renji’s garbage about teasing him, he did make Ichigo feel… _safe_ , in a sense.

At any rate, he wasn’t in the least bit worried Renji was going to tell on him or something. Even if Renji thought he shouldn’t be so tight-assed about keeping it a secret, he’d agreed that they weren’t gonna’ tell anyone about them just yet. It’s been three days since a somewhat life-changing revelation, and Ichigo wasn’t ready to shout it from the rooftops or - _god -_ tell his dad.

“Hey,” Renji muttered to catch his attention, then tapped his lips. Ichigo grimaced, but leaned down and kissed him anyway. “Just try it and see,” he said like he could tell what Ichigo was thinking.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Pff’, sure,” Renji sniped, flicking channels and playing with a loose string on Ichigo’s jeans. Ichigo scowled at him, but sat still and didn’t jostle Renji’s head out of his lap. In fact, he might not get up even if their kitchen caught fire.


	8. Chapter 8

The following day, Ichigo got up early, knots in his stomach, a combination of excitement and nerves keeping him from lying in bed any longer.

He picked his clothes out with care and took a shower, and by the time he ate some breakfast and got dressed, Renji wandered out and stood at his side in front of the sink, brushing his hair while Ichigo styled his own with a comb.

“You’re up so early,” Renji muttered, washing his face and then drying with a towel.

“Yeah well, you’re just lazy,” Ichigo mumbled back, leaning around him absently to check the mirror.

“You too excited to sleep?” Renji teased. “Why, do you like me or something?”

“Oh, get out.” Ichigo elbowed him sharply and then used his foot to shove him out of the bathroom. Renji laughed at him, grabbing for him once and kissing him on his soft cheek before letting Ichigo boot him out into the hall.

They left around one for their date. Ichigo kept his hands tightly in his pockets on the train, letting Renji lead him to wherever he’d planned for them to go. As Ichigo had vaguely expected, it ended up being mostly the same things they did to have fun together when they’d been just buddies, you know, playing at the arcade, reading JUMP - and in Renji’s case, racey magazines - without paying until the conbini employees kicked them out, going to the gym, et cetera.

Renji did take them to their favorite arcade, Super Potato, and they played their favorite legacy games for a few hours, until their hands were cramped around the joysticks and from jamming the buttons.

By then, Ichigo was feeling pretty relaxed, considering there was nothing really gay going on, but of course, Renji had to up the ante, because before going home, they stopped at a cafe to do the milkshake with two straws thing.

Ichigo sat and just stared at the drink for a second when Renji brought it back to the table. Glancing around, he put his elbow on the tabletop and covered his eyes with his hand, turning his face out towards the window. “What are you doing?” he hissed.

“Try it, it’s banana.” Renji pushed the mug towards him. Ichigo scowled and pushed it back, so violently that it almost spilled.

“Dude, no.”

“Just take it,” he insisted.

“I don’t wanna’ share,” Ichigo grit out.

“How come?” Renji frowned. “I don’t have germs,” he said indignantly. Ichigo continued squirming and twisting towards the window, an arm up to block his face from the rest of the shop. “C’mon, Ichigo, quit it.”

“No,” he whispered harshly.

“Dude, no one cares, just chill out, okay?” Renji hissed back, trapping one of his legs between his. Ichigo viciously yanked his foot away. “Aw c’mon Ichigo, aren’t you even gonna’ _try_ an’ have fun?”

“... Whatever, gimme’ the goddamn shake.” Ichigo stuck the straw in his mouth and took a long drink, grinding his teeth. He liked the flavor, but he held the glass protectively, glaring at Renji. He’d better not dare get any closer.

“... Wow, gross, you totally chewed that up,” Renji noted when Ichigo finally passed it back to him. He sighed and took a drink from his own unmangled straw, and after a few seconds, played with the other one, pointing it out towards Ichigo. He even wiggled it a little, inviting him.

Ichigo scowled and sulked, his face red, leaning his fist on his eye with his head tipped down in shame. Renji kept sipping their milkshake, but reached a hand out and touched Ichigo’s elbow, let his thumb graze and stroke it comfortingly. “C’mon, whatsa’ matter?” Renji hummed, scooting forward and taking another gulp of their drink.

“I feel like a freak,” Ichigo whispered.

“How come you’re thinkin’ about everyone else but us? Are you not having a good time today?” Renji wondered seriously. “Can’t you focus on me an’ you for a little bit?” Ichigo was quiet for another couple seconds before sighing roughly and leaning in, taking the straw in his teeth.

Renji’s forehead brushed on his, and he could feel Renji’s feet gently playing around with his under the table. Ichigo’s heart was pounding in his ears. He didn’t dare to let his eyes stray, strictly keeping them down, his fingers shaking and his face heating up. He knew people were staring, he could feel it, they _knew_ , everyone knew-

Renji’s hand covered his, warm and heavy, his thumb lazily tracing on his knuckles, and Ichigo managed to lift his eyes to Renji’s. God, he was so close, the fabric of his bandana pressing onto Ichigo’s brow. He managed to take a swallow through the crunched-up straw between his lips, watching Renji drink and gaze back at him with that deep warm gaze.

For a second, Ichigo felt drunk almost, his skin buzzing and tingling all over, and then, in his momentary stupidity, it took him too long to realize Renji was smirking a little bit around his straw. A second later, Renji took a breath and blew bubbles into their drink, foaming it up and splashing a little.

“Aw, nasty!” Ichigo yelped, throwing himself back and wiping frantically at his eye. “You jerk!”

“Ha, ha-haaah,” Renji teased. “Loser.”

“Ugh.” Ichigo stood up, holding his shirt out away from his body. “You make me sick. I need napkins.”

“Oh chill out, there’s like nothing there.”

“Shut up, this is your fault anyways!”

Renji ended up getting the napkins for him, and was extra nice to him for the next half an hour or so. Ichigo still felt a little shy, but was able to cope with eating a quiche together with Renji in public and even kiss once. As long as he pretended he couldn’t see anything else except what was in their immediate vicinity, keeping everyone else in the restaurant on his periphery, out of focus, Ichigo could mostly ignore the rock in his gut.

Kicking his legs absently, their plate pushed to the side, Ichigo leaned over the table with his arms folded under his chest, looking at Renji’s phone, which was placed on the table between them so they could play a quiz game together.

“Renji, your turn,” Ichigo reminded when he was too slow. “... Renji.” He looked up and frowned. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing,” Renji said quickly, glancing down and throwing a hand down to press Ichigo’s head down too.

“Hey!”

“Shh, be quiet,” Renji hushed urgently.

“HEY!” That time, it didn’t come from him, and it directly followed a loud crashing noise as somebody kicked open the door to the cafe, causing them both to jump. Ichigo peeked his head up despite Renji’s efforts, and was surprised to see Ikkaku storming straight for them with a murderous glare.

Well shit.

Renji straightened up and scratched the back of his head, not seeming to know what to say. Ichigo rolled his eyes. Renji always put his balls in storage when he was talking to Ikkaku for some reason - he thought Ikkaku was older and wiser or some shit, like that could ever be true.

“Wh- What’s up, Senpai?” he opened awkwardly, inching back with sweat forming on the side of his cheek as Ikkaku leaned towards him and _stared_ at him with his scariest death glare. Renji looked openly meek and speechless.

“Were you in my house?” he accused sharply. “Look me in the face and tell me you weren’t in my fucking house.”

Oh great, of course. With Ikkaku acting like such a bonehead all the time, Ichigo always forgot that he was kind of, admittedly smart. Seriously, even when they’d been hiding in the closet that day, Ikkaku had weirdly seemed to know someone was watching. Ichigo should’ve assumed they wouldn’t get away clean.

This was kind of annoying though, because Ichigo had finally been starting to relax and enjoy himself, and now here came this noisy jerk to ruin his first date ever. Nah, they’re not having this.

Renji, petrified and obviously not wanting to make Ikkaku mad, eventually came out with, “... Uhhh.”

Not bothering to lie or spare Ikkaku’s feelings, Ichigo wondered flatly, “How did you find out?” Renji startled as Ikkaku whipped around on him, pointing in Ichigo's face with his teeth bared.

“You stole my fucking house key, you dirty rat! You think you’re so smart but you just leave it on the ground after looking through my shit!”  Finally bothering to lower his voice when too many people started whispering and staring at them, Ikkaku growled, “You’d better hope I don’t tell Yumichika, you little punks.”

Renji finally seemed able to speak then, lowly apologizing, “Senpai, no. Please don’t. We’re sorry.” He looked to Ichigo, who was unapologetic, arms crossed.

“I’m not. That’s what you fucking get for taking my shit!” Ichigo shot back, bracing his hands on the table and getting in Ikkaku’s face in return. “You’re just mad ‘cause I got you back!”

“Fuckin’ break into my house and shit, I’m gonna’ beat you until-”

“What the fuck do you expect, Ikkaku - and besides, it was mine in the first place!”

“Guys, hey, don’t fight,” Renji protested somewhat weakly, sticking a hand between them. Ichigo begrudgingly backed up, and although Ikkaku didn’t come to fisticuffs, thank god, he did keep scowling nastily. Self-consciously, Ichigo touched his own face. Gross, was that what Ichigo looked like when _he_ did that? It didn’t _feel_ like it, but who knew.

“Senpai, look, we were in the middle of something, so…” Ichigo rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair with his arms crossed. Renji scratched the back of his head and muttered, “So if like, you could beat him up later, then that’d be great…”

“What, you on a date or some shit?” Ikkaku wondered, and Ichigo’s heart froze. Horrified, he didn’t dare move for a second, waiting to see what Renji would say, but found that Renji didn’t really answer his question, not knowing what to say either and instead looking towards _him._ He realized then that they’d never talked about what to say if someone should find them out - deny it, admit it?

He clearly wanted Ichigo to say something, but he didn’t know what to say either. Shit, what does he do, what does he do - ah fuck, by now he’d probably already been quiet long enough that Ikkaku took it as confirmation anyway. Might as well wipe the smug look off his face.

In that moment, looking at Ikkaku’s stupid face, Ichigo found that… he didn’t actually care if Ikkaku liked it or not, because he liked Renji, and he didn’t care if Ikkaku knew it. Being scared was the last thing from his mind, his heart filling up with spite instead. He’d show him!

“Yeah, we are, so what?!” Ichigo shot back, maybe sort of petulantly and with a sulky crease to his brow, but Ikkaku shut his mouth blandly and the meek uncertain look to Renji’s face faded in surprise. Instead, Renji stared at him with sparkling adoring eyes, like he’s superman or something, and Ichigo felt manly and cool. He didn’t know if he’d ever felt that way; he certainly hadn’t for the last few days.

He didn’t know what reaction he’d expected, belatedly remembering that Ikkaku was also as gay as the day is long, but he felt somewhat taken aback and surprised when he didn’t so much as blink and just said, “So nothing.”

Ichigo took another breath, ready to shout something else like ‘yeah, well, I don’t care what you think,’ but it died away, and he merely said, “... Oh.”

“Just thought you’d be bragging by now,” Ikkaku directed to Renji, who seemed to perk up, looking at Ichigo with pride and a big smile.

“Yeah, I got pretty lucky!” Ikkaku, cooling off from being mad as always, grunted in approval, and gave Renji a fist-bump.

Ichigo squirmed and sunk down in his seat, feeling pleased but embarrassed at all the praise. There he went getting him to blush again.

That feeling from before wasn’t so bad anymore though, the hot pit of shame and fear - it wasn’t as strong anymore, not enough to really bother him.

When they got home and shut the door, Renji kissed him completely breathless, huffing onto his wet and slack mouth, “That was hot,”  and Ichigo was sure this was going to turn out just fine.


End file.
